the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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