Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
