I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize