Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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