It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize