last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
