What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize