As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
from now on my penis is your penis
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Randomize
