at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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