my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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