You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
