in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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