do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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