omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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