why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
