fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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