I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
