Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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