does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
