i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
