He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
