well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
