Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You peed on a flamingo?!?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
