So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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