I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize