I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
