She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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