My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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