Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my shit smells like andre
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
