he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
