I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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