My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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