I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
