Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
