On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
