your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
handjob tips. give me some.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
