Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
