The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
