Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
