mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
