I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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