Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
