I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
