I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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