The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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