one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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