sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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