So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
