yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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