You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I intend to get homeless drunk
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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