He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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