He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
