Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
