weddingsv make me drug and hornr
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
