I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
