We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
