Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
