If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
