So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My dick has a subreddit
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
