This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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