he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
