I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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