I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
