Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
