i was born a porn star she said
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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