you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
