Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
