so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
