Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
