I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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