i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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